Save Me
by the rotten1
Summary: This is a songfic using the lyrics from "Save Me" by Staind. It's also a re-telling the events in the 'Be There arc' of the Saiyuki manga, starting from Gojyo's POV and switching to Hakkai's. It has Gojyo/Hakkai and hints of Hakkai/Sanzo.


**Save Me**

Gojyo sat alone in his house, smoking one cigarette after another. The taste was good and the high was nice, but for some reason it didn't make a damned difference. The smoke hung in the still air like a ghost, only partially illuminated by the sparse light filtering through the window. The ceiling lamp was off, but even in the darkness the place was still a mess. The furniture was old and worn with strips of fabric hanging off the edges, and carpeted rugs were laid haphazardly across the floor with the corners flipping up and wrinkles running down the middle.

_This dark room, another cigarette_

_The carpet is strewn, I'm getting sick of it_

The man he had saved was going to die. He didn't even know the guy's name, and didn't bother to ask. It didn't matter. Gojyo had picked him up off the street, and the man had laughed at him. He'd nursed the stranger back to health and he still looked pale and tormented, as though yearning for the icy grip of death. He said that he was glad that he had been saved, but Gojyo could see the truth in his eyes. After all, he never did say that he wanted to live.

_The end is near, I'm in the thick of it_

He came out, turning the light on and announcing his departure with a smile on his face. Gojyo listened as the man spoke of the murders he had committed, and how he was ready to take the punishment for his crimes. Gojyo didn't really care. It wasn't until the man mentioned his own hair and eyes that he took an interest. The man said that they were like blood, like penitence, like a warning. Admonishment for his sins. It startled Gojyo, and made him pause for a moment. Then he smiled slightly, because he had always felt that way, too.

"Hey... tell me your name," he asked. Because now, the name mattered.

They were interrupted before the man could say his name. It was from the lips of a beautiful blond that Gojyo finally heard it. Then there was a struggle. He pinned the blond underneath him and let his friend escape, but then he was left with two annoying house guests. The blond monk and his pet monkey. The monkey ate his food, the monk wouldn't flirt with him, and they were both planning on going after his friend. That was when Gojyo decided that he was going, too.

_And I'll be there soon if you can handle it_

On the way there, he got into another argument with the monk. The blond accused Gojyo of being devoted to Gonou. Gojyo explained that he went to all the trouble of saving him, so he didn't want the guy to die so easily. The monk wouldn't tell him what he was going to do with Gonou once they caught him, so Gojyo explained the color of his hair and eyes, and how he shared its meaning with the man he wanted to save. The monk said that it was foolish, and that blood wasn't the only thing that was red. Then the monkey pulled at his hair, expecting it to be hot. When he stopped to think about it, Gojyo realized that after all, he was the one who wanted to be saved.

_Just save me from all that I am_

_You save me for the fuck of it_

When he finally caught up with the man he'd sheltered in his home all that time, he was a mess. His face was covered in blood because he had torn out his own eye. Gojyo said something that the monk had said earlier, something about how everyone who kills has to prepare to be killed. Gonou got up and shot the demon that had been pursuing him. Then Gojyo moved closer to him and asked if he could walk.

_Save me, just hold out your hand_

_You save me from all of it_

*****

He woke up in a mediocre place. The room was small, and not spacious by any means. The light was bright and there were dressers, curtains, and a small wooden door. He heard a voice, and as he looked up he was surrounded by red. It shimmered in front of the light from the ceiling, hanging down from the man who stood above him, looking at him. If Gonou didn't know any better, he would have expected the crimson shade to trickle down those strands and leave droplets of blood on his cheeks.

"Too bad that this isn't hell," the man said. "Did you want to die?"

"No. I believe this was for the best," he lied. "Thank you very much."

_I try and speak myself, you can do it too_

The man proceeded to explain how he had shoved Gonou's intestines back into his body, and mentioned that he'd gotten a doctor to look at him. Gonou had been in a coma for a week, and the doctor said he should be able to move again in a month if he got enough rest. Gonou had never asked for any of this help. He hadn't wanted it. Yet for some reason, when the man made a joke about taking him to bed, he smiled.

_And need no one's help, I'm needing only you_

"You're not asking about me," Gonou pointed out one day over a game of cards. He thought it strange that Gojyo would save his life and then not ask anything of him. Surely, the man must have wanted something. Gonou felt that he should give something in return for his generosity. After all, Gojyo had taken him in, put him back together, and cared for him for weeks, allowing him to stay until he was fully healed. Gonou offered a little information on himself, but he couldn't say the words that Gojyo really wanted to hear. He couldn't say that he would continue to live.

_So just pray for me and deliver it_

_You never take from me what I'm given_

Before leaving, he told Gojyo about the people he had killed, the punishment he deserved. He also mentioned the warning in the color of Gojyo's hair and eyes. The penance that he faced, to remind him of his sins.

_Just save me from all that I am_

It was the first thing that he had noticed, even lying half-dead in the rain, out in the middle of the street. As Gonou had looked up at that man he saw the red in his hair. It had made him laugh, just before he had been scooped up in strong arms as he lost consciousness.

_You save me for the fuck of it_

It wasn't until Gonou was about to walk out the door that Gojyo finally asked for something. He asked for his name. Gonou would have been more than happy to honor that request, but there was a knock on the door. Gonou hid against the wall as Gojyo answered it. A deep voice replied in a stern tone, and Gonou knew they had come for him. Words turned to accusations, and a struggle became a fight. A bullet blasted through the house and Gonou rushed outside to make sure that Gojyo was alright. Gojyo pinned the stranger to the ground and told Gonou to run.

_Save me, just hold out your hand_

_You save me from all of it_

After fighting off the monk's companion, Gonou got away. He ran into the trees, making his way back to Hyakugan Mao's castle. The strenuous movements were demanding on what little muscle he had left after being confined to bed for so long. His wound opened up and started to ache and seep. As he held the last memento of his lost love in his hands, he lost track of his surroundings and got smacked to the ground. The demon complained about a brother whose eyes had been plucked out before Gonou killed him. The demon threatened to do the same to him, so Gonou offered his eyes up willingly instead.

"Very well then," he said, reaching into the socket of his right eye. "There isn't really a big necessity anyway." He pulled it out and then hurled it at his attacker. _Here, take it. I don't need it anymore. _Then he started on his left, but he was interrupted by a young man who knocked him over, insisting that his eyes were pretty.

A deep voice boomed from somewhere behind him, out of sight. "You said that red was a color of confession. Confession to whom?" It was the monk. "To God? God won't save anyone. The only one who's able to save you is yourself."

The words startled Gonou, making him widen his one remaining eye. They sank deep into his soul, making him realize the horror of what he could have done in giving his own life away.

"You're free to die. One can also run away. Nothing changes if you die. However, if you live, some things will change."

_And all that I have become is you_

Gonou was paralyzed, stunned by those words, until he heard the sound of a more familiar voice. Gojyo talked of how those who kill must prepare to be killed, and even though they were not his words they were said with such caring that Gonou found that he couldn't ignore them.

_The only good in me is you_

The demon rushed him, and he killed it. Gojyo's presence by his side helped him to stand.

_And after all of this_

_The day will come to find out_

The monk walked over and took back his gun, asking if Gonou was going back to Hyakugan Mao's castle. Gonou was startled by the generosity of this offer.

"Please," he begged.

_Will you take me, oh, forsake me_

When they arrived at the site where the castle had been, there was nothing but barren earth. A few days ago, someone had burnt it to the ground. Gonou fell to his knees in despair.

"I was, again, unable to save her."

_So pray for me, am I forgiven?_

"Why don't you recite a sutra, shit-smelling monk?"

_For what you take from me_

"Hmpf. That shit won't soothe anything."

"But that's not the logic behind it, right?"

"The reason I'm reciting the sutra isn't for the dead people."

A golden voice filled the air with its deep, sonorous tone. Gonou stared up in wonder at the tone that left no doubt, no darkness, and filled his soul with light.

_Just save me from all that I am_

Later on at the temple, Gonou was taken to be judged. A lower monk put shackles on his hands.

"There's no need for it," Sanzo declared.

"However... I don't mind," Gonou said. "Please, put it on me."

_You save me for the fuck of it_

A voice spoke from behind the door. "Priest Genjyo Sanzo, sinner Cho Gonou, enter."

They walked into the room, and Gonou was astounded at the sight of the heads of the sanbutsushin floating in the middle of the room. It made him gasp in amazement. He wondered if he would get out of the place alive.

"You have been brought here to answer for the lives that you have taken. Half of the people in your hometown, as well as the lives of countless demons either directly or indirectly in the service of Hyakugan Mao. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I am guilty."

"Then, in accordance with the heavenly law, you are sentenced to eight years in prison for each life you have taken. You will remain behind bars for eight thousand years, or until the years of your lifetime have been completely spent."

Gonou was ready to accept his imprisonment, but then he heard a soft hiss to his side and Sanzo spoke.

"You might as well kill him now."

"You are dissatisfied with our decision?"

"If you're going to let him rot behind iron bars until the day he dies, then you might as well kill him now. Either way, you are effectively putting an end to his life."

Gonou looked up at him, speechless.

_Save me, just hold out your hand_

"Buddhism forbids the taking of life," one of the sanbutsushin continued. "However, in lieu of this punishment, what would you suggest we do? It is not in our power to let him go unpunished."

"You think he'll kill people again," Sanzo assumed. "Then... I will be surety for him."

"What?!" one of the heads exclaimed. "That's preposterous! We couldn't possibly..."

"That's not necessary," Gonou said. "I'm more than willing to face the punishment."

The room went silent. "Tch..." Sanzo said, giving him a look of disappointment and disapproval. His attention turned back to the sanbutsushin, and he addressed them. "He won't commit any more sins."

The floating heads looked at Gonou with serious faces after he'd offered to accept his punishment, it seemed that they actually agreed.

"However, if it will satisfy your suspicions, then... I'll keep watch over him," Sanzo offered.

_You save me from all of it_

"This is absurd!" one of the heads complained. "We cannot simply set him free with the number of murders committed in his name!"

Another of the heads replied in a soft, lilting voice that spoke in a compassionate tone. "Then we shall have to bury his name, and give him a new one. The name shall die for his grievous sins, and the murderer Cho Gonou will be no more. In place of that name, a new one shall be given." She looked directly in his eyes as she said, "From this day forth, you will be known as Cho Hakkai. Let this name be a reminder for you to keep to The Eight Precepts."

Then the third head spoke, "You must abstain from harming living beings, taking things not freely given, sexual misconduct, false speech, intoxicating drinks and drugs, eating untimely meals, all forms of music and jewelry, and the use of high and luxurious beds and seats."

"Yes."

*****

It wasn't until months later that Hakkai was reminded of the eight precepts that he was supposed to me obeying. Sanzo had come for a visit, and it was while watching him sit and calmly drink his tea that he remembered the events in the temple. He was in a different situation now. He had moved in with Gojyo, and the two of them had become lovers. Hakkai wondered if their relationship could be considered a form of "sexual misconduct" by the sanbutsushin. He wasn't about to confess his deeds to them and find out.

"Would you like to eat dinner with us tonight?"

_Come, save me_

"No thanks. We just stopped by after work."

The next time Sanzo came for a visit, it was even worse. Hakkai had decided that he didn't want to fight, so it was a problem when Sanzo asked them to help recover treasures that had been stolen from the temple. Gojyo's friend, Banri, had visited earlier, and arguing with him reminded Hakkai of the many murders he had committed. He didn't want to hurt anyone anymore.

Then Gojyo ran off with some men who were looking for Banri, and Hakkai knew that he was in trouble. Gojyo had told him to stay out of it, and Hakkai had tried. But the rain had then greeted him as he had walked out of the house, reminding him of the night of their first fateful meeting. And he found that the more he thought about it, the more he knew that he couldn't stay away. He made the excuse of taking Gojyo an umbrella, and ended up removing his limiters and slaughtering the men who had dared to threaten him. As the last bloodied corpse fell to the floor, he picked his limiters up from the ground and placed them back on his ear. Hakkai's first thought as the demonic power faded from his body was that he'd broken one of the eight precepts yet again.

_Pray for me, am I forgiven?_


End file.
